External Self Awareness (how do people see you?)
How do people see you? How do you think they see you? This is a fun thought exercise in external self awareness. It’s also a pretty deep way to kick off a blog post.
There’s a quote that perfectly sums up this idea (which I came across in the book Think Like A Monk):
“I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am.”
(It can take a few times reading to fully grasp the idea, but once you do, it’s pretty deep)
So I ask, how do you think other people see you?
This post explores this question and more. So you can think of this as your crash course on external awareness.
But let’s wrap up this chit chat – let’s get it.
What Is External Self Awareness?
Let’s start with some definitions and benefits.
So what is external self awareness?
External self awareness is awareness of how other people see and perceive you.
The definition suits the name.
But an important point to echo here is how we think people perceive us vs. how they actually do can be pretty different.
Also, we can be a bit too critical of ourselves. So I think it’s good practice to not obsess too much about how we think others see us.
You know how it is – just do you.
Still, practicing external self awareness can offer some pretty sweet benefits.
Practicing External Self Awareness (some benefits)
Supports introspective thinking and self development
Increases self awareness of your habits and behaviors
Boosts your critical thinking skills
Highlights areas could strengthen or work on
Heightens your sense of surroundings and your environment
Builds listening and empathy skills
Helps you realize what’s important to you, and what you care about
How to Practice External Self Awareness (10 tips)
These are some practical tips for boosting your external self awareness.
I use these things in many aspects of my own life – but they’ve definitely helped me become more aware of who I am and how I think other people see me.
But lemme know in the comments if you think it’s possible to know exactly how people see you, 100% of the time.
1. Practice Present Moment Mindfulness
If trends and buzzwords offer us any insights, it’s that all of our answers lie in mindfulness and present moment awareness.
This idea is starting to create an echo chamber…but that doesn’t make it any less effective.
It’s a powerful modern skill to hone.
We have countless distractions and our focus often goes rogue. And when it comes to external self awareness, present moment mindfulness is critical.
There’s a lot of nuance and distraction to filter through when auditing your surroundings and perceiving others' image of you.
So the ability to stay grounded and in the present helps to quiet the noise and uncover insights, which are sometimes hiding in plain sight.
Because if you’re constantly thinking about yesterday, tomorrow and all the things that could or should be, it’s hard to notice what’s actually happening right now.
2. Listen More Than You Speak
There’s a quote by someone that goes something like “when you speak, you’re only repeating what you already know…”
The main takeaway is that listening is an important skill for learning and growing.
External self awareness is all about listening, learning and understanding.
How do people talk about you? What words do they use? How about their intonation?
The subtleties and nuances found between language lines are brought into clearer focus when we actively listen more.
It’s listening with intention that helps pick apart hidden perceptions and attitudes.
So rather than planning out your next 3-5 responses in conversation, stay present and genuinely listen.
The way your friends and family talk with you can offer valuable insights into how they perceive you.
3. Ask Around (+ look for themes)
If you want to know what people think of you, just ask them.
It’s simple advice, but actually kind of hard…and potentially awkward.
And not always accurate. People want to be nice (generally…).
So a good workaround here is to gather more data and leverage our old friend, statistics.
Ask different family members, coworkers, different friends and people from your different social circles.
Then simply look for any common themes or answers.
4. Meditate On It
Meditation is helpful for so many things – especially self awareness stuff. It’s the perfect tool for the job.
So if you’re spinning and trying to become more externally self aware, try meditating. Meditation helps you find more clarity and untangle complexity.
If you’re new to meditation, just remember to stay patient and remember there are no bad meditations.
The more you practice, the better you’ll get. The better you get, the more social insights you naturally stumble across.
Meditation has helped me learn a lot about myself, my anxieties, my values and my priorities.
It boasts a ton of other psychological and physical health benefits, but for our purposes, it can simply unlock a lot of self awareness insights.
5. Build Critical Awareness
Critical awareness is careful examination of your beliefs or assumed knowledge.
So the idea here is to challenge those assumptions.
Often, our interpretation of how it is differs from reality.
I suppose there is no true objectivity, since things change based on the group, the context, the weather, the mood…
But strengthening your critical awareness skills will definitely help with external self awareness.
Challenging our assumptions is a great starting point to uncover blindspots and new perspectives.
For example, I always assumed people saw me as just a guitar player. But I recently started singing.
And some of my new friends may see me as a singer first, who also happens to play the guitar.
Personally, I still struggle with these labels (but I blame my imposter syndrome).
6. Write It Out
Writing is cathartic.
Whether you call journaling, brain dumping or intuitive writing, putting your thoughts down on paper (physical or digital) is a great release.
It boosts clarity, creativity and awareness of who you are.
For example, what kind of writer are you?
Casual and off-the-cuff?
Or more formal, with a strict focus on punctuation?
These writing styles offer clues into your personality and how others may see you.
Beyond this, writing is just a great way to brainstorm and get ideas out of your mind. New insights and perspectives abound!
7. Look for Clues From Friends + Family
Our friends and family are always giving us clues about how they see us.
This can be in the way they talk to you, the things they tease you about or the compliments they often give.
So do some quick reflection and consider this fact:
What do your friends and family often point out about you?
What compliments do they give you?
What “feedback” do they give you?
What personality traits do they like to highlight about you?
These are all helpful questions to reflect on for external self awareness.
It can also help to consider how you act differently around different people or in different groups and settings.
Alas, so many things to consider and reflect upon…
8. Try Not to Stress About Things Too Much
To use another quote (yes, I love quotes): “people aren’t thinking about you as much as you think they are”.
And this is a liberating truth to remember.
Because most are too busy thinking about their own lives to be thinking about everyone else’s – especially strangers or casual acquaintances.
I don’t see this as a negative thing though. It’s just a human, pragmatic reality.
Our focus is finite and thinking about our own success, growth and general stuff is just a default state. It is what it is.
Of course, I’m all for altruism and I think community and cooperation give us a huge advantage.
But for most of our day-to-day external worries, it’s usually just a personal experience and most people aren’t thinking about it as much as you are.
So try to not worry too much about what other people think of you – because chances are, they aren’t thinking about you like you think they are.
9. Watch Videos of Yourself
This can be hard to do if you’re not comfortable or familiar with yourself on camera.
But when it comes to external self awareness, watching recordings is a great way to step back and see yourself from another angle.
You can even try recording yourself, like doing a mock vlog.
What nuances, behaviors and habits pop out?
Sometimes we’re not totally aware of the subtle things we do, but watching ourselves can make things feel very obvious.
Like when I first started recording and posting videos of myself singing and playing guitar, I was always looking up…
It sort of bugged me, so I became aware of this and started shifting my gaze elsewhere — not just at the ceiling.
10. Batch Test Ideas + Reactions
This one is kind of interesting — and unique.
The main idea is to bring up various ideas and plans you may (or may not) have to your different groups of friends and family, and then gauging their reaction.
These ideas can be off the wall, or more grounded and based on some personal goal you have for yourself.
For example, if I tell my friends I’m planning on moving to Taiwan for a couple of months, they wouldn’t be too terribly shocked.
So this tells me that they do indeed see me as the sort of aloof nomadic type.
But if I told them I’m thinking of settling down, getting a second masters degree and starting a family. They would probably have a stronger reaction.
At least, I think they would.
This exercise can give your external self awareness insights based on how people react to different ideas you give them.
If they’re surprised, it could be because they see you differently that your proposed plans.
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